There is a reason why nowadays everything is changing rapidly, and that is because we have to adapt to it. People blame the world we are living in for things that happen in their life, because they still don’t realize that those things happen for a reason. We are all here, at the perfect time in the perfect world. You can choose to change it, or you can choose to live it. Changing it will take some time, believe me, but if you start from deep inside, you will find amazing things about this world and how everything works. The secret is to celebrate every time you make a step, but not get too excited about it. Living it also comes with responsibility since living it implies to have complete confidence in yourself and the others around you. You choose because you are free to do it. You are free to adapt or not.

There was a time when I was down, I was depressed. Nothing could put a smile on my face, because my thoughts were always there to destroy every twinkle of light. It was a time when I was blaming everyone for what was happening around me because I wanted to be like them. There was a time when I was unhappy…

I tell you that it wasn’t comfortable, I wasn’t myself anymore. I was not able to socialize that much, I used to drink a lot, and smoke a lot of cigarettes. Time passed and I would go to bed tired, wishing that maybe the next day I won’t wake up at all. My daily chores were there to annoy me extremely, and I would end up yelling that I have to clean the dishes I was eating from, cursing them at the top of my lungs. I wasn’t paying attention to what I was wearing anymore, I would go to the same supermarket everyday, and I would go to classes just to do my work, and that was it. I would refuse to eat that much, and I would just occupy my mind with thoughts that were trying to control me over and over again. I was alone, in my own jail. I was standing there, surrounded by people who loved me, but I felt nothing. I was there right in the middle, feeling like the most incapable person in the world. At night, the thoughts became nightmares, and in the morning the world became an even darker place to be.

At the time, I never understood what was wrong. I have to tell you, I had all the reasons to be happy at that moment, I had achieved more than anyone could have. I was finally living in my dream house with my special person. I was appreciated at my job and an excellent house cleaner, and I had enough money to support my day to day activities. I had a reputation of a good sense of humor and a big heart. But still, there was this darkness around me that was covering all these beautiful moments and kept blah-blah-ing in my head.

I felt like I was walking alone on a forest path, with nothing around me but the blue, dim light of the full moon. I was scared of every step I was making, and I wasn’t trusting myself at all. I blamed the world, the people, the cat, the dishes, the toilet paper, the tampons, the jeans that were getting dirty, the bike because it broke down, I blamed everyone, I blamed myself…

I was not sure of the path I was on, I wasn’t sure of the specialization I had chosen, of the cat I had, or what kind of detergent to buy for my dishes (the damn dishes again). I would go to the supermarket and spend minutes trying to decide which detergent was the best, and when I got back home I was unhappy because I thought it hadn’t been the best decision ever.

Clinically, people call it depression. Personally, I call it a stage in our discovery.

The minute you realize something about yourself, that is the PERFECT moment to start changing it!

I believe in the cycle of things, and in the fact that if you feel the urge to cry – cry your lungs out and release the whole feeling, rather than stopping yourself and letting others comfort you. It sometimes feels like it would never end, but in fact the cycle continues. If one stage ended, another one will start for sure.

How did it happen for me?

I realized I was stuck in something “dark”, but somehow deep inside I didn’t want to get out of there. It was a little comfortable (sounds weird right?), I’d even started feeling okay being down all the time and consuming myself for small and boring things. The person around me tried to tell me several times, but somehow I had a pillow over my ears and it was impossible for me to comprehend.

It came naturally? Not really, it actually needed a physical change. I had to move from the apartment, and then, yes, it came naturally. If you are unable to see it from the inside-out, try the outside-in method, it might work. I was shocked by how well it works. And how one thing attracts another – I left the country after this, and then I traveled into the wild for one month. I took only one step in changing something in my life, and then I realized where I was because I changed my perspective for only one second.

The whole process requires PATIENCE. There are milestones after each achievement. You only make baby steps and the best way to keep on going is to appreciate each step. The point is not to change something AT you but to change something IN you.

There is no secret recipe, you have to find your own ingredients.

In that whole darkness, in the path between the mountains, I saw a glimpse of light. As I moved on with my crazy changing plans, I saw lights coming down my path – from here, from there, from everywhere. Dancing light, small and cute. Soon, the sun literally came out on my street. It blinded me with happiness.

It was right there!

It might sound like a fairytale, but in fact it only needs taking a step. The moment I realized what I did to myself, I was so disappointed in myself, it had been all in my head. I see each and every day as a perfect moment to change something in ourselves, to test our limits, to laugh out loud. I see every friend as a mirror of my soul, and I appreciate the time I have alone with myself, because now, my thoughts are not killing my light anymore (the forecast seems good for the next 5 days, haha). I still have those thoughts, but now I have learned to embrace them as being normal, because everyone has them, right?

I believe that sometimes people have to experience something in order to understand better. “Understanding” in my vocabulary is not related to the mental action, what I mean is the understanding of the soul. We have to pass cycles and we have to adapt. This will make us better, and the world around us also.

I had been lost only to find my way.
I had been down only to learn how to fly.
I had been alone only to find out that I had love in my heart, a love that could embrace the whole planet.
I had been sad because I never knew how happy I was.

Sir. J. Lubbock(1834-1913) said that “Hapiness is a thing to be practiced, like the violin. String by string, my dear one, and then you will learn how to sing “LIFE”.”

I still don’t know what all the strings do, but I try my best.

I hope you can join me in a beautiful concert.

With love,

atthara.

Translated by atthara