About how I packed my stuff and left…

The situation was like this: I was in a large field. The wheat ears weren’t bending from the wind, but the cloudy sky was running forward. All my beloved ones were lengthening their hands towards the horizon, singing something in a soft voice…..they were saying: ‘ru, ru, where are you going? Where are you going, when we are here, when we are here’.
And I was packing my stuff in a fast pace. I only knew that I wanted to leave. I just felt this going-away feeling was coming to take me somewhere. ‘But where do you go, ru, where do you go? When we are here, when we are here..’

Ru left and never looked back.
I was Ru and behind my back, many voices were calling me and asking me where I was going.
I was running along with the sky, with the clouds, with a lot of luggage, on the field of wheat spikes. I didn’t know where I was running to and I was unable to fly because the luggage was so heavy, I was feeling my feet hurting. I reached a door on the wild field. The sky stopped the wind, the voices stopped singing. I knew this was the door through which I was leaving.

“Ru, ru where are you going?”
“I am going Here and Now.”

Stepping over the threshold, the luggage started to fall. I had to undress myself. The door was narrow and I could only pass beyond it without carrying anything. For I don’t need anything but myself.
In Nothingness, emptiness, I am going Here and Now.
With absolutely no one, but me, I am going Here and Now.
With no purpose of going somewhere, nowhere, I am going Here and Now…

When I woke up, the flight attendant asked me if I wanted something to drink. Under the sky of my eyelids the dawn was fading. I remembered the first time I left. I remembered all my beloved ones, continuously waving their hands behind the security bars: “bye, take care of yourself, bye, bye”. My mom was crying and a police officer was checking me so that I wasn’t going to board the plane carrying any illegal weapons.

But she had no idea that in fact I had more than a weapon, I had the most powerful vehicle in the world, and the most powerful one: trust in adventure. And I left towards one of the most beautiful college time that my soul will have known, because it was not a normal college time. It will have been the biggest liberation of my soul and I would have given myself the best gift ever: freedom.

I remembered how I cried while smoking my first cigarette in the airport. I remembered how I couldn’t stop my tears from falling. How they became flowing rivers from the depths of my head. Tears of joy, excitement, fear (of course a tremendous fear, maybe the only good and pleasant fear with a feeling of an unknown that I want), adrenaline. I was crying after my own heart, because I was finally going to meet her and explore her, to listen to her and thank her.

I told the flight attendant that I wanted water. Only water. Soon she would have to leave and I would have to throw myself back into the rays of the clouds from outside.

In the back of my eyes, dynamic images were rolling, they were absolute and maintained by great emotions, and it felt weird to look back in this way with the maturity of the observer. I felt joy regarding all those memories. The first year of college in a foreign country. The first time I’ve been homeless. The moment I bought a cat. The time when I lived in an attic, during winter, and I slept on the floor and brushed my teeth at the university bathroom. The rent money were going to the cat’s vet, an idiot who once ripped her ear by mistake. Listen. By mistake. Hah!

When I had found a studio and moved in at midnight, walking, with my cat and my mattress.
When I made my first friends.
When I failed the first exam.
When I came to visit my country for Christmas.
When I started learning Spanish.
When I decided to continue my journey to India, in my third year of college.

For a moment I thought the plane was not moving. Only my heart was traveling through all these memories that were still alive. I wanted the flight attendant to come back with more water. Why the hell are their glasses so little? The pilot announced we were landing. I -don’t-know-how-many degrees on ground level, thank you for choosing us…

I could say I want to go back home, but that wouldn’t be true. Although I am about to walk on Romanian land once again, my heart is flying towards the horizon.
It’s a test, because for the first time I don’t miss it. I am returning physically, but my heart is bigger than the body.
I am going Here,
And I am going Now.
It’s a test to always remembering to never forget that Here disregards the place and Now disregards the way. Because everything is happening inside my heart.

writing and photo by ruah.

translated by atthara

 

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